One Year Later

What a difference a year makes! I hope you enjoyed the guest post by Wiski! She is an amazing woman and a true inspiration! She got through a lot of obstacles and was able to EBF while working full time for a full year. Her baby never had to have formula! That is a wonderful accomplishment.

Today is Lil Man's first birth day. He has changed so much and I am a bit teary eyed looking back on it all.

Recently, I have been able to talk, online and in person, with a lot of moms who are expecting. Many are just like me a year ago- planning on breastfeeding, but unsure of their bodies ability to accomplish this huge task of continuing to nourish their child outside of their womb.

It has really made me think. One year later, I know so much more than I did when I was in the hospital, giving birth to my son. For starters- I have learned that society is full of contradictions. Breastfeed, but have free formula samples. Nurse in public- but only with a cover. Or even, nurse in public- but if you use a cover you are ashamed.
Another thing I have noticed, is we tend to over think things. I remember taking the breastfeeding class and so much emphasis being put on proper latch. Honestly- none of the stuff about latch, and positioning, helped me after my son was born. All it made me do was over think his latch instead of focusing on the milk flowing and the bonding time. Granted- latch is important- I don't want to downplay that- but it is like chopsticks- most people don't use them correctly- but as long as you are using them in a way that works for you- that is all that matters. Holding a doll in a position to practice was completely different than holding my baby. None of that clicked. Their were good parts of the class, don't get me wrong, but I think these items were over emphasized and that is part of the reason so many moms give up on breastfeeding because of a "bad latch."
The biggest thing I have realized though, is that we as women, need to have more confidence in our bodies. We are MADE to do this- to feed our children. When we start out assuming we will have issues, it leaves us more open to falling for all the booby traps that are out there- slow weight gain, "low" supply (that is actually not low), and so much more. When we let nurses and doctors tell us that comforting a child at the breast is wrong, that nursing 24/7 is uncommon, and we buy into it- it is because we are doubting our roles as mothers and women. We are questioning our bodies.
I went into the hospital worried about supply. I had read somewhere that 1/3 of women with PCOS suffer from low supply. But that is not what I had read....later, I re-read the article. It was 1/3 of women with PCOS (in THIS study) REPORTED having low supply. That does not mean they actually had it, that it was caused by PCOS rather than other issues, or why they believed they had low supply. I later read an article that said only 8% of women with PCOS were actually diagnosed with low supply....but by that time, I had already fallen into the booby traps early on, and they did effect my supply.
I get it- we don't want to make women feel bad for combo feeding- and we shouldn't. I combo fed my son for 9 1/2 months. I felt guilt for the longest time that he was not EBF. I would never want any mom to feel guilt for that. After all, you are still providing the benefits of breastmilk and nursing to your child. However, there is a big difference between not making a mother feel guilty and helping her be set up to succeed.
When we start off telling a mother not to worry about EBF BEFORE her child is born, before she knows if she has supply issues, we are also playing into that mind-set that her body can not do this. We are telling her that it is ok and normal for her not to be able to do it....In other words, we are telling her that only the most exceptional women are able to exclusively breastfeed, and unless she is such, she needs to be prepared to give supplemental formula.
If I had the confidence before hand that my body was made to do this- I would have been ready to handle those booby traps I faced- pacifiers, "acceptable" weight gain, how often I nursed, etc. I didn't have that confidence though. I went in questioning it. I was a first time mom, worried about making sure my baby got the nourishment he needed, and knowing that my body already was not "natural" from infertility, felt that meant I would fail at this part of becoming a mother as well.
I am much wiser now. Educated by those who want me to succeed, and not just from random google searches that brought up articles on how I may fail. Fact based research has made me more confident that my next child will be EBF. I also have the confidence in my body. Even though I felt it failed this time, I see where the booby traps played a huge roll in this and understand now that I underestimated myself. You don't have to be exceptional to breastfeed....you just have to believe in yourself and your body.




Now- before anybody thinks I am saying supply issues are not real- I understand they are real. I do. However, I think women are quick to assume it is their supply, and then fall into booby traps that actually DO diminish their supply. I think often times we want everything to go so naturally that when they don't we assume that our bodies have failed us. Most of the time this is not the case. But supply issues are real. However, unless an LC or OB has helped to diagnose that your supply truly is low- it shoould not be assumed.

Saying Goodbye to my Pump...

My baby turned one yesterday. I've heard countless times mom's exclaim with sadness "boy, time sure flies!" I've been here before, I know how fast time moves...I get it...I do, or rather I’m trying to…

But really, I've never been in these exact shoes before. With Irelyn I exclusively pumped and at 11ish months of pumping pretty much around the clock I just couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't bring myself to hook myself up to that machine. I was sick of the ball and chain, it was time for me to stop and I did so with a smile.

I’m in a new unfamiliar situation and I’m not quite sure how to manage my next step. I know she likes cow’s milk…but will she LOVE it so much that she won’t need me any longer? My old fears of bottle preference bubble to the top and in the back of my head I wonder if working full time and being away during the day is going to damage our breastfeeding relationship.

And as crazy as it sounds, will I miss pumping? Sure, it’s a pain in the butt, sure I don’t enjoy it…but let’s be completely honest here, I know that a small part of me is going to miss it. I carried Ellie for 40 weeks, I’ve nurtured her exclusively with my milk and now during the day she’ll be getting something else…something not of my making. For many moms I know this isn’t a big deal, in fact most moms think it’s both commendable and crazy that I’ve pumped for a year, most moms would argue I’ve “done enough”. I carry the WOHM guilt and I doubt I will never feel as though I’ve done enough. I hold myself to too high of a standard and my perfectionist tendencies have a tendency to contribute to feelings of anxiety.

My plan with Ellie has been to stop pumping at work during the day once she turned one. In preparation of this momentous event I dropped a pumping session two weeks ago. My last pumping session at work was on Monday. By the time I got home yesterday I was feeling quite engorged. I nursed Ellie for a quick snack and still needed relief. I pulled out my trusty Medela PISA and as much as I hate the pump the relief it offered was near orgasmic. I anticipate I will pump a bit again when I get home to take the edge off.


Weaning from the pump this time is totally different. With Irelyn I stopped pumping and I stopped lactating. With Ellie I will still continue to nurse. I feel as though I’m walking a tight rope of sorts and everything is new…different…and I don’t have a stack of experience under my belt to guide my way…I’m playing it by ear, following my body and going with my gut. If anything I’ve learned from breastfeeding it’s been to follow my intuition. It hasn’t failed me yet!

Happy Mother's Day

I used to look up obscure holidays to celebrate instead of Mother's Day. Like today- May 8th- is No Socks and Have a Coke Day!
This is my first Mother's Day as an actual mom and it feels a bit strange to not be avoiding this day.......

Today I am enjoying some extra snuggles with Lil Man, going to visit my WONDERFUL mother, and just enjoying time with family.

I hope all of you get to enjoy some quality time with your loved ones.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Pacifier

(Taken from part of a private email)

"I told the LC that I felt like a human pacifier. She told me never to say that again. She said I am a mother. Mothers are made to comfort their child. For newborns- that includes comforting them at the breast. She told me that pacifiers were made to replace the mother's breast. NOT the other way around."


When my friend and I emailed and she wrote this to me- I thought how when we are breastfeeding and/or pumping mothers- we often be-little our role. We call ourselves a human pacifier. Compare ourselves to a cow. I even joked once, while pumping, that I was "Checking in at the dairy farm" to Disney Daddy.
After reading this email from my friend- I have started to see how negative an effect these comments have. Why do we replace our titles of mother, comforter, nourisher with pacifier and cow?

Before pacifiers were invented- the breast was what a newborn was given for comfort. It is part of being a mother- to comfort your child.
So next time you sit and think "I am a human pacifier" or feel like a dairy cow while pumping- please try and remember the words this LC said. You are a mother- doing what mothers were made to do.

Relax and It Will Happen-Or Will It

I guess I felt like I wasn't really a woman. Like something was broken inside me. After all, this should come easily to a woman- shouldn't it? Maybe if I didn't stress so much. Maybe if I would just relax- it would happen. At least that is what people keep telling me.

I remember being in tears. The man speaking at the pulpit asked all the mothers to stand. Then, as an after thought "Will all the want to be mothers stand as well" came out of his mouth. I think he realized how that sounded, and quickly changed his wording to "Women 18 and older- mothers in training." It was too late, the damage was done. As the teenagers in the group passed our flowers to the women who were standing, I sat there, tears streaming down my face. My poor husband was unsure how to comfort me. He put his arm around me and pulled me in close.
One of the young women handing out flowers, brings me one and said "He said mothers-in-training." I accept it, but still refuse to stand.
That was the last time I attended church on Mother's Day.
Why was this so hard for me? This is what we are supposed to do. Especially in our "culture" (religion). We get married and start a family. But it didn't come so naturally to me.
Disney Daddy and I struggled with infertility for nearly 8 years before we found out that Lil Man was on the way.  From the time we were married we never tried to avoid pregnancy. We were thinking we would just let it happen when it was time. But then the years passed, and we didn't get pregnant. After two and a half years we sought out medical help.

We were blessed to have a happy ending. However, we do not know if our struggle is over. We hope to have more children. Fertility may or may not be an issue for us in the future, we are unsure.
This year, I will attend church on Mother's Day without feeling sad, or depressed. But many other women will still have that pain in their heart.

So often, people trying to be supportive will say things like "Maybe you are meant to adopt" (as if we had not thought, pondered, and prayed about that option) or "Just relax and it will happen." For many, it is not that simple.

It is estimated that over 7.3 million women in the United States suffer some form of infertility. 1 in 8 couples. Fertility treatments are costly, both financially and emotionally.

Support and friendship are the greatest gifts you can give someone struggling with infertility.
I have always been open about my journey trying to conceive. It has blessed me with many friends, but has also opened my eyes to how ashamed many people are of this struggle. It is something they feel they can not talk about. Like breastfeeding- it is something women think should just come naturally, and if it doesn't, it can be heartbreaking.
This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Please, take a moment to find a way to support those women who struggle with the longing for a child on a daily basis. Understand that they need to be heard and to have someone to be there for them. There are many myths out there about infertility as well. Educate yourself, support others, and share your experience and knowledge. I know that I have had a happy ending- but I will always remain passionate about Infertility Awareness. No matter how many babies I have, I will never forget the pain of infertility.

Visit www.resolve.org/infertility101 for more information regarding infertility basics.

Learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week at www.resolve.org/takecharge

Apology

I am sorry. Sorry that the blog has been slow the last couple weeks. Lil Man became really sick, and we even ended up in the hospital for a few days.

I promise that things will pick up soon. I have even contacted a few people to come over and guest post. I just wanted to check in and let everyone know that I am sorry for the lack of activity and give an explanation.

Happy Blogiversary TO.....

The Leaky Boob! It is a little late, but The Leaky Boob turned one recently. The leaky boob was an inspiration to me to start my own breastfeeding blog. While, I didn't start this blog in order to become like The Leaky Boob, it was an inspiration to me to go ahead and put myself out there when it came to my views on breastfeeding and parenting. That I had a right to my opinion, to want to share, support and educate.

My Little Biter

          When you ask a group of soon to be new mothers about their plans for breastfeeding, you will get a variety of answers, but one thing I have heard many times is that they plan to breastfeed...until the baby gets teeth. As if teeth and breastfeeding are mutually exclusive. Having teeth does not make it impossible to nurse, nor does it make breast milk less important, so why so many women believe that weaning when teeth come in is beyond me. I know most are nervous about biting. And I can tell you from my experience that biting while nursing not something I wish to happened again, but it is something that you can work through. 
          Peanut Boy started teething around Christmas time, and of course I was bombarded with comments about weaning him since he was going to have teeth. I didn't even consider it. I had made up my mind that I was going to continue nursing, even if he did bite me. Then he bit me. Now as you can imagine, this was a VERY unpleasant experience. One day we were nursing happily and all of the sudden he just chomps down on my very sensitive nipple and I yelp in pain. I had been given tons of advice about how to handle biting, but not much goes through your mind except to make it stop. So I pulled him off the breast and set him down and said "no biting". Then he screamed! He acted as if I had cause him some great pain, when it was him who had done the hurting! So I conceded and allowed him to nurse again, but again he bit me. This time I was finished! I put him down, told him no biting and we were done nursing. This time he just looked at me and smiled. I was so galled by that fact that he thought it was funny! The next time he wanted to nurse I was nervous and I told him no biting, then he latched and nursed nicely for a few minutes, and then he bit me again. This went on for about 2 weeks. Peanut boy bit me almost every time he nursed. I was at a loss about how to get him to stop. Every time he bit, I would end the nursing session and most of the time he would protest loudly and cry as if he was in pain, or he would look at me and smile. Because he was not nursing during the day as much as he should, we were nursing almost ALL night! This was making me insane, and I had not a clue about how to stop it.
          I continued with my routine of warning him not to bite before we nursed, then stopping when he did bite. Then one day he just didn't bite. It was as if he had FINALLY learned that biting equals no more milk! I was elated, but skeptical. It has been more than 2 weeks since the last time he really bit me. The moral of my little story is that biting does not have to mean the end of a nursing relationship. While it is not something I would like to go through again, it was not enough to make me stop nursing. Children are smart and they learn quickly what behaviors will get them what they want/need. And it may have taken a couple weeks for Peanut Boy to catch on, but now we are happily nursing once again and cautiously expecting the next round of teeth, which may or may not lead to another battle with biting. But I am ready for it.


                 Stef

Guest Blogger Coming Soon

I am excited to have a new guest blogger coming to My Breast Thoughts. Stef from Real Life Mommyhood is a babywearing, breastfeeding mama who has gone through the biggest fear new nursing mothers have- a biting nursling- and she is STILL breastfeeding.
I am sad that Lil Man has weaned, but thankful that we had no "real" biting issues during our nursing relationship. He bit me once or twice, but nothing major, and prior to teeth....EXCEPT ONE TIME when he really clamped down. But that was it.
However, many moms really struggle with biting, and unfortunately, many mothers wean because of it. I am excited for her to come and share her experience- so be watching for her post, and in the mean time- go check out her blog.

Where Have I Been....

The family took a much needed vacation this last week. Well, kind of a vacation. Disney Daddy had to travel for work- and we tagged along, extended the time there, and made it a family vacation. We took Disney Daddy's niece, who we will call Smiles, and surprised her with DISNEYLAND!!!!! She was ecstatic.
This is part of the reason for the lack of posts.
Here is a picture with all of us and Pluto.

Lil Man was in LOVE with the characters- but ESPECIALLY Winnie the Pooh! He tried to climb into Pooh's arms. Luckily, the Disney Cast Member who offered to take our picture at Pooh's Corner saw this amazing moment and took plenty of pictures for us.


For those who don't know, I do a little photography on the side. I love being able to capture memories for others. Having Lil Man has changed how I take pictures. When you have a child this young there is no "posing" for pictures. It has taught me to capture the moments of every day life. I love this view through my lens.

Because of this, I am going to adopt a ritual from The Leaky Boob, who adopted it from Soule Mama. It is called In This Moment. A single picture- no words...although, I like words and will probably put a caption of some sort to remember place and time. I will normally do this on Friday, but I wanted to share this picture of Disney Daddy and Lil Man on Newport Beach last Monday.

In breastfeeding related news- I enjoyed walking around Disneyland, and I really enjoyed watching mothers with small children being nursed. I rarely saw children with bottles, and saw TONS being breastfed. Many moms used covers, a few did not. I just wanted to tell each of them good job!

The most exciting thing though, was meeting up with Wiski. Wiski has become a good online friend of mine, and it was wonderful to meet her in real life. Her daughter is only 3 day's older than Lil Man.  It was cute to see them play together. I would love to post a picture- and maybe I will- if Wiski gives her approval. I hope Wiski will be able to contribute to the blog again soon. If you missed Wiski's first post- check it out HERE. She is amazing and exclusively pumped for her first daughter.