Letting Go of the Guilt

When you first find out you are expecting, you start picturing your life with baby. As time goes on, you start making a plan for the birth of your child. You have this idea of how it will be. Whether it will involve an epidural, or be med free. Home or hospital or birth center. You make a birth plan, or you go with the flow. Same with breastfeeding or formula feeding. You might have a plan, or you might decide you will go with the flow and give breastfeeding a try.
But what happens when those things don't go as planned. What happens when your plan for a non-medicated, vaginal birth ends in a c-section? What happens when you were going to exclusively breastfeed and you end up supplementing or switching to formula. Sometimes, nothing. Sometimes, especially if you are just a "go with the flow" person, you adjust well. Sometimes though, this leads to a huge amount of guilt.
When I gave my son his first bit of formula, it pained me. I felt like my body was failing. As I continued to supplement with formula, I felt that my PCOS had effected my supply. That MY BODY was the issue. For months I felt guilty that I couldn't give my son all the nutrition he needed on my own.
After 3-4 months, I started this blog, as a way to get out my frustrations. I had researched a lot, and talked with a lot of friends. And I had realized something- the system had failed me.
My supply wasn't low in the beginning. NOPE. My son had lost slightly more than the 10% that was "acceptable" but after induction and a c-section, it is likely his birth weight was inflated. Also, I had been in the hospital 24 hours longer than a vaginal delivery, giving him more time to lose weight. A vaginal baby would have been weighed for discharge a day earlier. Had my son been weighed a day earlier, he may have been within the 10%. My milk still hadn't come in. C-sections are known to delay milk coming in, and first time moms milk often takes longer to come in then with future babies. Since my milk wasn't in, it was expected my son would lose weight. But did the pediatrician on staff that day say any of this. No. He simply told me to supplement after 2-3 feedings a day.
When I took my son back in to be weighed 2 days later, he was gaining weight. My milk had started to come in. But, I was too scared that I was starving my baby to simply stop supplementing. Instead, I tried to pump. When pumping would only bring .5 oz a session, I thought something was wrong. I didn't realize that it was normal, especially being new to pumping.
Each time I supplemented, it was time away from the breast. The pacifier, time away from the breast. Swaddling so baby slept longer, made for more time away from the breast. And pumping- well- a pump was no substitute for my son when it came to extracting milk.
Looking back, I realized a lot of the "booby traps" I fell for. When I realized them, what did I do- felt even more guilty. How could I have fallen for them? Why didn't I try harder? Why would that pediatrician lead me astray? Why would I just believe anything a doctor says without researching it?
There were times the guilt consumed me. Consumed my every thought. I had dreams about those moments, both how they were, and how they "should" have gone. The guilt actually began to make me despise my body.
Now, please don't think this was PPD. I loved being a mommy, I loved my son. I was just devastated that body had failed, and then later learning it may not have had I done things differently. It was emotions I had felt before when my body failed me to conceive for 8 years.
One day, I realized I needed to move on when I started crying while feeding my son. I realized it was time to let go of the guilt. Luckily, having gone through infertility, I had already figured out how to do that. It took a few steps.

1. Own up! You can't let go of guilt until you own up to the situation. Just like an addict admitting they have a problem is the first step in recovery, owning up to your role, if any, is the first step in letting go of the guilt. You were anxious to be induced before your due date, and it ended in a c-section or a NICU stay for baby. You fell for booby traps, or were misinformed about some aspects of breastfeeding. Whatever it is OWN UP TO IT. For me, this meant owning up to the booby traps I fell for, the fact that I was misinformed and hadn't done my own research, and the fact that I doubted my body before I should have.
2. Accept! Accept that the past is the past. You did what you thought was best at the time. You made a mistake, or you listened to bad advice. Whatever it is, accept that it happened. If you don't own up and accept your role, you will continue to blame others, your body, or just yourself, and you will not learn from it. You won't be able to move on. 
3. Forgive Others! You can't hold on to rage or anger towards someone and be able to move on. Continually cursing the pediatrician who told me to supplement was only keeping me in the role of victim, and not allowing me to move on. Let yourself forgive those that may have led you to make a decision you regret so that you can stop focusing on it.
4. Decide a course of action! Decide what you will do differently next time. Decide what you would want to change. Decide how you will handle things next time. If there won't be a next time, decide how you will choose to remember the first time. Will you focus on the things you are upset about, or will you focus on the positive outcome? I have chosen to remember how wonderful it was the times I breastfed my son. To look at how happy I was to have my little man. I have decided to remember the funny moments from breastfeeding, the gentle, intimate memories. Focusing on the positive was a big step for me. Then making a decision that next time I will not supplement simply over a few extra ounces lost, that I will not have formula stashed in the house, and that I will have a support group set up, have educated myself, and have things on hand to help my supply if needed. Making this decision makes me excited to breastfeed. Excited as I was with lil man. I can't wait to have another baby and breastfeed him or her.
5. Forgive Yourself! I remember going through something in my life, and seeking counsel from a religious leader. One of the things he said was that I needed to forgive myself. That I would not be able to move on until I did so. If you keep beating yourself up over something, you will never get past it. So forgive yourself. You have owned up, you have forgiven others, you have decided what you would want to do differently the next time, so forgive yourself.

Once these steps are done, and really, truly done, you will begin to feel the weight of the guilt lifted. You will be able to move on. Enjoy the things you have, and look forward to the future.

It was important for me to let go of the guilt. Until I did so, anytime the topic of breastfeeding came up, I was on defense. I felt any comment about formula or supplementing was aimed at me. If someone talked about most women make plenty of milk, I was defensive. If someone said anything about anything I was going through being human error, mine or someone else's, I would get upset. Once I let go of that guilt, I could realize, this wasn't the case. Someone saying that breastfeeding was worth the effort was not saying I was not dedicated. A comment about booby traps didn't mean I was an awful mom for that fell for anything. A pro-breastfeeding statement did not mean that formula was poison.

Letting go was so freeing, I felt like a new person. I was able to truly enjoy the remainder of our breastfeeding relationship, even with supplementation.

Is This Normal Or Is Something Wrong?

There is a lot I wish I had known when I began breastfeeding. Some things are specific to my experience (c-sections effect on birth weight, etc) and some things I think are things all moms need to know. I write about this kind of thing a lot- but there is a reason for that- those first 6 weeks, almost every mom doubts her breastfeeding ability, her supply, her child's latch, or some other aspect of breastfeeding.

To know what is natural or "normal" I really suggest this site .

However, it is one thing to read the information, and another to be the mom doubting if what you are experiencing is normal. For that reason, it is always good to hear from other moms what was going on during the first few weeks and months. I decided to take a very un-scientific poll on this blog's facebook page. It was a very small sampling as I only had it up for a few days- but the percentages reflect what I have noticed on breastfeeding boards, forums, and other sites.

I asked moms who breastfed for at least 6-10 weeks what behaviors, etc that they experienced. I am going to start with a few "common myths"

I never became engorged so my milk didn't come in properly.
30% of moms who answered the poll never experienced engorgement. Several of these moms had an  oversupply or breastfed exclusively. It is just as common to not feel engorged as it is to feel engorged. For me, my milk came in gradually. THIS IS COMPLETELY NORMAL! I wouldn't have even known that my milk was coming in had it not been for the LC who pointed out that the milk was getting white. Please, do not feel that just because you never felt "full" or engorged that you have a low supply.

My baby spits up, is fussy, colicky so he must be allergic to my milk.
Baby's digestive system is very immature. It is just starting to handle food, and it takes time. This is why we don't just jump right into solids. It is common for baby to spit up, or be colicky. Fussiness is also common. 50% of moms who answered the poll had babies who spit up or had reflux issues. If you are concerned, talk with your pediatrician about ways to handle this. If your pediatrician suggests formula- switch doctors. Formula often makes this worth. Same with colic. 33% of moms said their child had colic. Many parents also confuse normal gas pains and fussiness with colic. Colic is inconsolable crying for 3-5 hours a day most days of the week. Not many babies actually have true colic (although I know a few of the moms who answered the poll definitely dealt with this). Most of the time it is normal fussiness and gas. The immature digestive system and the change from having constant nourishment through the umbilical cord, to having to nurse and then digest the food and then nurse again, is a big change for a baby. 40% of moms who answered the poll, experienced a fussy baby.

My baby is low on the charts and/or gaining weight slowly so I must have supply issues.
First, it is important to understand two things- 1) Every baby is different. We have to have babies at the low end of the charts, and some at the high end of the charts. With Lil Man I had to learn this as I watched him not even make the charts because he was so small. Hearing other moms say "Mama's milk is great because my baby is in the 90th percentile" really hurt. THOSE CHARTS ARE NOT TEST SCORES- BEING IN THE 10th PERCENTILE DOESN'T MEAN YOUR CHILD IS FAILING. I can not even count how many times I have shared that last sentence on boards and threads where I see moms worrying about percentages. When do percentages matter? When your child is not proportionate and is in the 90th percentile for height, but 5th percentile for weight. Or when at 3 months your child is in the 90% and at 6 months is suddenly down to 20%. This is when you should be concerned. Not when you have a child who is in the 15% bracket for height and 10% bracket for weight. When something doesn't add up. 2) Some doctors still use the CDC chart- this chart is based on FORMULA FED BABIES. Formula fed babies tend to be heavier during certain ages and then lighter during others. Double check with your pediatrician what chart they are using. The CDC has directed doctors that they should be using the WHO growth charts until age 2 and then the CDC growth charts after that. The WHO growth charts are based on breastfeeding being the normal source of nutrition, and it also compares weight to height- which lets you know if there really is a problem.
Once you get past the charts- it is important to understand that breastmilk is more easily digested and broken down by baby. It converts into energy better, and the remainder- passes through the body and out into their diaper easier. Sure, some breastfed babies are nice and plump, but many are not. 50% of the moms who answered the poll said their babies had slow weight gain. But that doesn't mean their babies were not healthy.

My baby eats all the time. Either I am not making enough, or something else is wrong. 
We have all heard that "breastfed babies need to eat every 2-3 hours during the day and every 3-4 hours at night." In fact, that was almost taught as the golden rule in the breastfeeding class I took. Problem with that- It isn't true in the beginning. In the beginning those number reflect a bottle fed baby (more on that in a moment). A breastfed baby often needs to eat more often then that during the first month or two of life. Around 8 weeks, the feedings spread out a little more, but until then, it is not uncommon for mama to be feeding baby every hour on the hour, both day and night. (It isn't as bad as it seems, I promise, and the time is really short when you look back on it.) Some moms get concerned when they pump, and then baby takes 3-4 ounces and doesn't need to eat for another few hours. Well, bottle fed (both EBM and formula) babies will often finish a bottle- even if they are not hungry. Think about when you go out to dinner, and you order your meal, and they bring out a serving 2-3 times what you eat at home. Even though you may be content 1/3 of the way through- think about how often you continue eating, sometimes even ordering dessert. Especially if you see everyone else still eating- basically encouraging you to eat. That is what the bottle is like. Baby might be full at 1-2 ounces, but because there is still some there, and someone is encouraging them to continue drinking it, they eat more than they need, and there for are OVERLY FULL. Also, they may continue to eat because the sucking that is done is not just about nutrition but comfort (hence comfort nursing).  This may be why they continue to drink from the bottle, even after they are full. Finally, babies at a young age are only meant to take in 1-2 ounces every 2 hours. If you are truly concerned- seek the help of a IBCLC (certified lactation consultant).
97% of moms who answered the poll experienced frequent nursing. Frequent nursing is probably the most common newborn breastfeeding behavior, and is also probably the thing that makes moms question their supply and their breastfeeding relationship more than anything else.

Other common things that moms who answered this poll encountered-
36% of moms experienced a baby who frequently broke latch. This is often caused by over active letdown or an over supply. You can read more about how to handle that HERE.
88% of moms experienced a sleepy nurser. A lot of babies fall asleep at the breast. To help with this- try to keep from swaddling baby for the first 10 days after birth, never swaddle while breastfeeding. Strip baby down to the diaper, tickle baby's feet, and other things of this nature to help keep baby awake. What helped Lil Man was changing his diaper BEFORE feeding him.
Approximately 45% of moms experience frequesnt waking. So many moms are ready for their little ones to sleep through the night (the medical definition of sleeping through the night is NOT a 8-12 hour stretch but a 5 hour stretch- parents often want their definition of 8-12 hours). First, remember that this time is short. Second, most children need to wake and eat at least 1-2 times a night, even until close to 18 months of age, some longer. Also, it is important to realize that breastmilk is again, easily digested and baby needs to eat more. This is actually HEALTHIER for baby then having formula stick in their digestive system making them feel full and giving them less nutrients. Lastly, there are so many benefits to baby waking to eat at night. They are less likely to experience SIDS if they are still waking at night. (I am still trying to find the link for this. I had it the other day but this post got deleted and I have to find it again.) When a baby sleeps through the night, they fall into a deeper sleep and are less likely to wake if their breathing is obstructed. Frequent waking, as well as being breastfed instead of formula fed, has been shown to lower the risk of SIDS.

So often, we think that those who succeed at breastfeeding must have had a easy journey. This very unscientific poll shows that is more common for moms to have obstacles than not.

So, now that we understand these "issues" are common or normal, how do we overcome them. Patience as far as night nursing, frequent nursing, and so forth. Having a great support system- a partner that supports breastfeeding, LLL or Nursing Moms group that you can attend to 1) get out and 2) ask advice, a IBCLC lined up to help determine if there are true supply or latch issues, and family and friends that are willing to help take care of other responsibilities or children during the first few months when you spend most your time nursing.

I feel so bad when I hear a mom has given up breastfeeding because she thought something was wrong because she encountered one of these behaviors. I hope every mom will realize they are not alone, seek out support, and do their best to get through this obstacle. I think the best advice I was ever given was "Don't quit on your worst day."

Thoughts on Nurse-Ins

A few weeks ago, there was a lot of buzz around facebook and the breastfeeding community because of a Target Nurse In.
What is a nurse in? Well, kind of like a sit in, but moms go to nurse their children, or support nursing moms, at an establishment that has had a "breastfeeding incident". Recently, a mom was asked to leave a Target store for nursing her child USING A COVER. This of course, resulted in outrage from the breastfeeding community, and a nurse in resulted.

I have mixed feelings on nurse-ins. On one hand, I feel companies need to have their employees understand breastfeeding, the right of the child to eat wherever it needs to be, laws that protect breastfeeding in most states, and have a company policy regarding breastfeeding. The lax policy target has on breastfeeding is an issue. However, on the other hand, as someone who worked as a manager in fast food, I know that no matter what your company policy may be- you will always have employees who let their own feelings get in the way, and don't follow the policy.

So how do I feel about nurse ins? I don't think they are wrong by any means. BUT- I think they may be ineffective. Most of the things I read regarding the nurse ins at Target were from those who already advocate breastfeeding. Those who are uncomfortable with breastfeeding in public were still uncomfortable and actually felt these women who participated in the nurse in were "hippies", "pushy", "weird", and one person even used the term "breastfeeding freaks".

A nurse-in shows an extreme. A bunch of mothers coming to make a statement. Sure, it may send the message to a company, but most the time the company itself is not the issue. Plenty of mothers have breastfed in Target with little to no issues. Both with and without using a cover. And few that have had issues, have been asked to leave once they inform the employee of their legal right to breastfeed in public.
The issue is with individuals. People. Employees. Not because of what the company says is appropriate, but because what they have been taught by society as being appropriate and not appropriate.

Just like the sit-ins in the 60s & 70s didn't change most peoples opinions (that were not part of the movement), and made them think those who participated were extremists, rebels, freaks (with few exceptions like the civil rights movement), I have noticed nurse ins have the same effect. I read more negative comments then positive from those who were not already strong breastfeeding advocates.

Part of me thinks that this is because women feel that just because someone supports breastfeeding it means they are against formula and are trying to attack formula feeding. This is not the case. Honestly, all we are concerned about is being able to nourish our baby, just like a mother who bottle feeds. With nobody telling us to go to a bathroom, a car, or pump before coming out.

However, part of this is because society has sexualized breasts. BREASTS WERE MADE TO FEED BABIES. END OF STORY. The sexual pleasure of breasts is just an added bonus. It gets old hearing how people say breastfeeding is sexual, will make babies obsessed with breasts, and the such. CHILDREN DO NOT KNOW ABOUT SEXUALITY OF BREASTS UNTIL THEY ARE TAUGHT ABOUT IT. Because of the view our society has placed on breasts, people think these nurse ins are inappropriate and as wild and extreme as bra burning, or hippies going topless.

So, if I think nurse-ins are ineffective, what do we do? The way to change society's beliefs on breastfeeding and get the message across is to breastfeed. Not in large groups, organized to do so and trying to send a message to a company. If we want to change the mind of the individual, we need to normalize breastfeeding by doing it like we normally would, wherever we may be. Making a special trip to Target just to nurse my baby doesn't change the mind of Target....and especially not of an employee who was embarrassed about a mom nursing with a cover. All it does is get on the news and makes those who are already uncomfortable with breastfeeding in public think we are all "freaks". I have found extreme actions and words end up pushing people away from breastfeeding more than helping them see our side.

While I always knew I would breastfeed, those who had the biggest effect on me were those who nursed without making a big deal of the fact that they were breastfeeding. It was those who just went about their business and never made a big deal about what they were doing. It was those who quietly fed their baby at the table at Olive Garden, those who would nurse during a movie, the moms I see nursing at the zoo, amusement parks, and such, with now words, no large groups, no sign that says "breast is best" or the likes. It was those who treated breastfeeding like it should be- a normal, everyday action that is not shameful, but not something you have to yell from the rooftops.

I am not saying that you shouldn't share breastfeeding information. I would be a huge hypocrite if I said that. What I am saying is that sometimes we get so gung-ho about things, we forget how we might be coming off to the mother who is still debating about breastfeeding. We forget about those who have never thought to breastfeed and are just really thinking about it for the first time.

I look at it like religion. We all want to share our religion if we believe it is true. We want others to have the joy we have. But posting a million articles on the evils of other religions or how are religion is the "best" choice, or having demonstrations at local businesses to say our religion is great- come join now, does not make people want to join. What does make them want to join? Seeing the happiness in our lives, the example we set on a daily basis, not just when an entire group gets together. Thoughtful conversations at the right time. Those are the things that get them interested. Same with breastfeeding.

When deciding to go to a nurse-in- please, really think about it. Do you believe this will make a change? If so go for it. Are you doing it because it fits your role as the breastfeeding advocate? Is the company really the problem, or is it the employee, the single person. Is this a company that is known to treat breastfeeding mothers poorly, or is this a rare occurrence?

I don't see anything wrong with nurse ins, and have wished I could attend a few when I know that it is really a specific company that has issues, and not just individual employees, but I think they are not as effective as the breastfeeding community would like to believe they are.

When Advocacy Turns into Bullying

I thought about titling this post "When Advocacy Turns Into Deterrence" or something of the sort, but I will be honest, I think Deterrence is when your intentions are to persuade someone not to do something. And that is not what this post intended to be about, because I don't feel any advocate's actions are to purposely keep someone from breastfeeding, otherwise you wouldn't be an advocate. I honestly feel that sometimes advocacy turns into bullying. Words meant to belittle another person, their morals or their parenting choices and the motive behind those choices crosses this line. This is not how I want to see breastfeeding advocated.

I highly suggest that anyone who considers themselves a breastfeeding supporter or advocate head over to The Leaky Boob and read Jessica's series on Unsupportive Support, paying particular attention to the post about Other Breastfeeders.

This week, I was able to witness a lot of interactions on breastfeeding. Some through forums, others through The Leaky Boob's facebook page, and other facebook interactions. A lot of the interactions were very positive, information being shared appropriately. However, there were 3 or 4 occasions that made me cringe.

For advocacy to be effective, it should be encouraging, informational, and free of judgement. When advocating, we must remember that actions speak louder than words. We should treat others how we would want to be treated. Remembering that everyone believes that they are right. Accusations just put up defenses.
When someone who calls themselves an advocate questions morality, motive, and the integrity of someone with opposing views, opinions, or experiences all they do is cause the other person to put up defenses. The line of communication is shut down immediately.

When addressed with the statement that a mother was unable to make enough milk for her baby:

The Bully: You didn't try hard enough. You took the easy out. No other mammal has supply issues.
The Advocate: You did a great job! Remember that any breastmilk is better than none. What made you feel you had a low supply? (And then supply important FACTUAL information after finding out WHY the mom states she was unable to produce enough milk)

When an article on how scare tactics are wrong in breastfeeding advocacy is shared:

The Bully: Formula is Poison, Mom's who choose it are selfish, immoral, lazy, and the such.
The Advocate: It is not right that scare tactics are being used to encourage something so natural. There are risks to formula feeding that should be shared, (shares factual links, information).

When faced with the statements "every mother is doing what is best for her child" or "better formula than starvation":

The Bully: Accuses people of taking the easy way out. Says they don't believe these mothers really have their child's best interest in mind. States that parents are really being selfish and not wanting to put in the work.
The Advocate: Agrees, then states that cultural booby traps play a lot into the failure of breastfeeding, and that until these change, formula feeding will remain a common feeding option. Then politely educates those that breastfeeding is natural and has benefits for both baby and child.

When a conversation ensues about weaning a 6 month old as the mother is suffering severe anxiety from pumping while at work.

The Bully: Tells the mother that she is being selfish. That she needs to continue until at least 12 months so that her child can be healthy. Tells the mother to just not have the baby take any bottles while she is at work, or get milk from a donor.
The Advocate: Starts by congratulating the mom on her 6 months of accomplishments. Offers tips to relax. Suggests seeking medical help for safe medications to deal with anxiety  while breastfeeding, then encourages her to not fully wean if she must give up pumping, but then to supplement with either donor breast milk if feasible, but if not, then formula if needed. Will also encourage the mother to educate herself on reverse cycling, and adaptability of her child, where the child may not need much fluids while she is away. The advocate will end with once again reminding the mom what a great gift she has given her baby so far.

When an expectant mother states she is nervous about how her partner will view breastfeeding, specifically nursing in public:

The Bully: Tells her that if he doesn't understand it is his problem and that he will just have to deal with it. He needs to get over the sexual part of breasts and get a clue.
The Advocate: Acknowledges that this is a valid concern. Encourages the mother to first, educate herself (giving her references like kellymom.com and other helpful links), and then to have an honest discussion with her partner, regarding the importance of breastfeeding, but reminds her to really listen to what he has to say, and address his concerns, while still stating how important it is to her that she has his full support. The advocate then encourages the mom to return to her/the forum with any questions or concerns she may have and wishes her a wonderful birth and breastfeeding experience.

When a mother states she supplemented during her breastfeeding relationship:

The Bully: Tells a mom that she didn't trust her body. Tells the mother that she didn't try hard enough. Says that supply issues are just in her head and an excuse to "half ass" breastfeeding. (Direct quote from this week)
The Advocate: Reminds the mother that any breastmilk is better than none. If the mother seemed open to it, the advocate will suggest tips that may be helpful to the mother next time.

When it comes to breastfeeding in general:

The Bully: Views it as the only way, that there is NO REASON a mother should turn to formula, states in writing or verbally that those who use formula are somehow less moral, less of a parent, lazy, or selfish. Does not acknowledge that our culture sets mothers up to fail, or if the bully does, they feel it is a very minor roll. The bully feels that it is okay to use scare tactics, name calling, and belittlement if someone chooses formula for any reason. They feel that they are superior because of their choice and success to breastfeed, whether it was easy for them, or a challenge. When others talk about challenges that led them to formula, the bully is quick to point out that they faced something "harder" and overcame.
The Advocate: Uses gentle education, encouragement, and understanding to help others succeed in breastfeeding. She will remember that sharing her success, and focusing on her breastfeeding relationship, being open to nurse in public, and offering help to others, is the best way to advocate breastfeeding. She is there to listen, will acknowledge booby traps and other issues. She understands that supply issues can be real, but understands they are rare and many women are misinformed. Instead of accusations, she will offer information. In the end, she will accept that she can not make the choice for anybody else, and that breastfeeding vs formula feeding does not determine the health or happiness of a child in and of itself. She understands that breastfeeding is the natural choice, but not the only choice, and not always the right choice.

We need to remember, when we are trying to encourage others to breastfeed, that you are more likely to encourage them by being a good example then anything else. Sharing information (factual, with sources) will always beat degrading comments. Most of all, we need to recognize that our society sets a mother up for failure more often then it sets her up for success, and until that changes, women are going to face a lot of booby traps, min-information, and more, and that formula IS better than a starving baby and every mom IS trying to do what is best for her child.

And Toni's Baby #3 is a ......

Congrats Toni! I am super excited for your family!

Dear Mama-to-be, Love Baby

Dear Mama,

Right now, you are getting all geared up for my arrival. The nursery is ready, the co-sleeper or crib is set up, you have probably folded and re-folded my clothes a million times. You have a birth plan in place, and hopefully, since you are reading this, you have decided that part of that plan is to breastfeed to give me some important nourishment.

Mama, I want to tell you something, I have heard you say "I am going to TRY and breastfeed." I am so happy that you are giving it a go, and I want you to know, you don't have to try, YOU CAN! Look at how amazing your body has been already. It has already provided for me during these crucial 40(ish) weeks, and it will continue to provide for me for the next 6 months and beyond. There doesn't need to be a "try" about this mama, so please, don't doubt yourself, or your body. You can do this.

I heard your friend telling you how her milk wasn't in so a few days after giving birth she went to formula. I promise you Mommy, all I need for those first days is the colostrum your body is most likely already producing. In fact, I would feel deprived if that colostrum was taken from me, replaced by instant breastmilk. That liquid gold is so packed full of antibodies, it will help my immune system more than you could know.
She told you her baby was fussy and eating all the time, so she knew it was starving. Mom, I will be fussy and I will want to eat all the time. I mean, I just came from this great situation where I had nourishment flowing to me ALL. THE. TIME. out into this world where I have to cry or give cues to get fed. My stomach is still tiny (marble size), and can not hold much milk. On top of that, mama milk is made specifically for me, which means I can digest it easy, and so I will want it more often. BUT- I promise this stage won't last long. I promise I will eventually spread out my feedings, I will learn to eat quicker, and that we will get this thing down. Just please don't give up on it on your worst day, and please, stick it out for a few months. We both have some learning to do here.

I heard Grandma telling you that she wanted to help feed the baby so you should supplement, or pump. I love Grandma, but please let her know, that this new world will confuse me a lot, and I need to know where my food is coming from- from mama. I need that bonding time, that special nourishment, and I might get confused if someone tried to feed me some other way before I am ready (in 6-8 weeks at the earliest). I also hope you will let her know, that formula is not a replacement for breastmilk, and that, while it has it's place in this new world, it is not as nutritionally tailored to my needs as your breastmilk.
Could you also let her know that there will be lots of other ways for her to help and bond? Let her know that baths, diaper changes, and just cuddling with me will let me bond with her and know that she is someone who loves me.

I heard Daddy say that he was nervous about you feeding me out in public. Please let him know that it is nothing to be ashamed of. Remind him that his child needs to eat, and that the benefits of breastfeeding completely outweigh the "embarrassment factor" he is worried about. Assure him that it will be discreet, maybe find some pictures to show him of women nursing discreetly. Let him know that after a few months, it will be nothing to him, and to please not worry about it.

I heard at the breastfeeding class the lady said I should eat every 2-3 hours. I hope you know this is for older babies. I may need to eat every hour, on the hour, for an hour at first, but again, it won't last long.
She also said you will become engorged- I know I don't have much experience in this matter, ok none, but please know that as many women DON'T become engorged as those that do. Your milk may come in slowly, and it is fine. I will just keeping taking in that liquid gold for the first 5-10 days. I will be ok.

I remember Aunt Jen saying to you how her child lost too much weight, so she had to supplement. Mommy- I will lose weight- After all, I am going from 24 hour nourishment, and lots of liquid being sent my way, to eating on demand, learning to eat, and so much more. Even if I lose a few ounces over the "acceptable" amount, please understand, I may not really need any new nourishment. Beware of those who push you to supplement due to reasons such as jaundice, weight, milk not in by a certain day, and crying.

Mom- I may lose weight, I may get colic, I might have times when I want to nurse all day, and other days where I hardly nurse at all. I might have a few bumps in the road, but we will get through this together.

Still, don't feel you have to go this alone. Please mom, educate yourself. Have information for possible hurdles we might come by (http://www.kellymom.com/bf/concerns/baby/index.html). Have some help lined up so that we can camp out on the couch while you feed me.

Please, though, Mama, don't doubt yourself, or your decision. This is the best first gift you can give me, and it is a gift that keeps on giving. Don't worry about 12 months, 18 months, or when you will wean at this time, just focus on the now, and take it day by day, Heck- I will be doing the same thing. This is new to both of us, but I will keep trying if you will too.

Love,
Your Baby

An Exciting Announcement

Well, since she announced it on facebook, she has given me permission to announce it here-
Toni, one of our authors, is excitedly expecting baby #3 next spring!!!!!!

I look forward to someone who can give some fresh new posts on their breastfeeding experience.

I was with Toni when she went to her first OB appointment, as her husband was unable to attend. She was given a goody bag with formula in it. I loved how she recognized that this was a booby trap that they were trying to get her hooked before her little one was even born.

Congrats Toni! I am so excited for you! Since you have 2 pinks, I am kind of hoping for blue- lil man needs another lil boy around to play with!

Today-

I apologize for the absence of posts. I have been busy with school, photography, being mommy, and some personal things that have been going on.

I have always been open about my struggles with infertility, so I was very excited this summer when I had a positive pregnancy test only 2 months in to actively trying to conceive baby #2. Unfortunately, it was not the right time, and I suffered a miscarriage (while on vacation without Disney Daddy). This is the second time I have miscarried and the pain of this miscarriage hit hard, since we had thought I had not even ovulated the month we conceived and we were ecstatic that it had happened so easily.

Today is pregnancy & infant loss awareness day. Miscarriages, even very early in the pregnancy, are painful. The hurt and wonder of "why me" haunts a woman. She questions every little action she did wondering if she could have prevented the loss.

Please take a moment to remember those who have lost an unborn child, or a child shortly after birth. Say a prayer for them, send them a positive thought, and remember that the pain is real. Also remember, that doesn't mean that they aren't happy for those who are able to conceive and have healthy babies- but at times, they just need to be able to escape the reminder of that which they lost.

Do Online Parenting Boards Fuel the "Mommy Wars"?

I was driving to school this morning, Heading to my Oral Communication class, thinking about things we had discussed and what I had read. It was about perception and how we use our experiences to perceive things.

This got me thinking- about a time when Lil Man was around 2-3 months old. I was taking my niece to the zoo and had stopped in a back area to nurse Lil Man while she played on a slide in the zoo. A couple other moms came with their infants, bottle fed, and let their older children play. I smiled at the moms, and they gave what I perceived as a forced smile to me. They then stared at how I was nursing my child, and then got up and walked to another area. To me, it seemed clear that they either did not approve of my nursing in public (even though I was using a cover to keep my fair child from getting scorched by the sun) or they were worried that I was going to say something about the method they chose to feed their child.


Now, I am not sure that they moved because of my nursing, but the body language, and expressions made me feel like they did....as well as one other thing....my experience with a popular online birth board. Online, I had read countless stories of breastfeeding mothers getting dirty looks, being asked to leave, or rude comments made in passing. I had also read several stories of formula or bottle feeding mothers saying they were chastised out in public for not breastfeeding. I had never SEEN in real life, any of these events take place, yet these stories skewed my perception of how breastfeeding and formula feeding moms interact with each other.

In real life, every mother that I know uses disposable diapers. The few I have met (in passing) that use cloth, never talked about it. They just did it, never paid attention to if my child wore cloth or disposable diapers, and we talked about other, more important things. If you go online, to a birth board, cloth vs disposable is one of those "hot topics" that will ultimately end in a show down. Cloth Diapering mothers arguing to the death about how cloth is more cost effective, cute, less toxic, and so much more. Disposable Diapering mothers feeling as though they have to explain why they chose to go the route they did. Not only that, inevitably, a EC mommy (elimination communication) will come in and point out there would be no issue if everybody just did EC.

The list goes on and on- CIO vs No-Cry sleep methods, stay home mom vs working mom, purees vs baby-led solids, vaccination vs not, circumcise or not, and so much more. The words that spill out on these "threads" can be snide, crude, antagonistic, and so much more.

I can't help but think that these online sites have taught us to put up our defences. These interactions, often quick and thoughtless by those who antagonize, make us feel that everyone is waiting to judge or comment on each choice we make as a parent.

Now don't get me wrong, there would always be people who judge. Those that think "if they would just do this, their child wouldn't be like that" and so on..... BUT- how often in real life, do we TELL people these things? Not very often. If we think them, we usually keep them to ourselves, or at most, say something to our spouse, or friend. While this doesn't make those thoughts right, it does spare feelings, and unnecessary confrontation.

So while I would never, ever, say anything like that in real life, and most of us probably wouldn't, the online forums have made us feel as though someone will. Online, people chuck their manners out the window before sitting at the keyboard, they have no one to answer to, no "real" consequences, and if things get heated, it is easy for them to walk away. They also usually find a group to back them up in how they fill. If they word things just right, the bully, can even come off as the victim.

But in real life, we are usually in a one-on-one type situation. We are just as vulnerable as the other person. Not only that, we want to be liked in real life. We want positive interactions with other moms. We want to share common experiences, not dwell on the choices we make that are different.

If I had never been to this online forum, and never seen some of these "wars" I would not even know of their existence. I would never have thought that those moms were either judging me or waiting to be judged, I would have thought they just were wanting some privacy (since there were 2 and they were in a conversation).

Technology and the internet are wonderful tools. I have made some wonderful friends through these online sites, but I can't help but notice they have taken the "Mommy Wars" to an entirely new level. We expect to be judged for every choice we make, and we feel that we need to label ourselves, and group ourselves with other moms that have our labels. Is there an answer to this? Yes. The answer is to stop putting labels on ourselves and others, educate but be respectful, and use the same courtesy we would in person, online. Will people do this? Probably not. While it would be AMAZING if they did, every month, a new birth board is started for expected mothers, and every month, their are new moms to get in wars. Moms seeking advice will get strong advocates- some that are respectful, and unfortunately some that are not, and the mommy wars will continue.

You Don't Have to DO It To SUPPORT It

I am an athletic supporter! I LOVE college football (GO BOISE STATE!) and really enjoyed going to any type of sporting event in school. I love soccer. However, I am not a big athlete. NOPE! Even when I was younger and loved soccer, throwing a baseball, and if I do say so myself- had a killer serve in volleyball- I was never what I would consider an "athlete."
I still understand the games, appreciate them, enjoy seeing the advertisements, watching the ratings, and have a little fun taunting with my friends though. I love seeing our home team challenge the system, the United States take some gold and silver medals, and seeing the world unite over the Olympic Games.


You don't have to do something to support it. Just like I support athletics, but am not an athlete. My friends supported me as a musician/singer in school, even though they did not play an instrument or sing in the choir. So let me say it again- YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO SOMETHING TO SUPPORT IT!

While I do care if someone chooses to breastfeed- I understand that not every mom will. I do hope though, that every mom, husband, family member will choose to support breastfeeding- even if they do not breastfeed.

What is support? So many people say they "support" breastfeeding. What do they mean? In my opinion- supporting breastfeeding is more than not giving dirty looks to someone nursing in public.
When I think of the word support, I think of bras. I know- strange- but I do. First, you have the training bra- that is comparable to that which I just mentioned- you don't give dirty looks at someone who is breastfeeding in public, or you don't lead them into booby traps. You aren't discouraging, but you could do more.

Next, you have a simple bra- no underwire- soft cup. Very comfortable but still leaves you flopping around when you need the best support possible. I would compare this to those that who really urge breastfeeding, but then come back and say things like "start solids early", "you are nursing too often", "if it doesn't work out then just switch to formula", or "formula fed babies sleep better at night." A lot of times they bring up wives tales, make the mom feel like any struggle is her fault, they don't support breastfeeding past a year, and more. They don't understand why a mom would not leave her breastfed baby for a week, tell them to pump and let others give a bottle to bond- not understanding how it will effect the breastfeeding relationship.

One of the most wonderful inventions was the underwire- Add that to a firmer cup and you have a pretty supportive bra. This is the friend who, no matter what her feeding preference, will support you, look up answers to your nursing issues for you, tell you how proud she is of you. This is the husband, like Disney Daddy, who comforts you when you are crying from feeling like all you are is a big breast or milk sac to your child, tells you how proud they are, how much they appreciate what you are doing for your child and lets you know that you can do it. This is the pediatrician who reminds you the benefits of breastfeeding, lets you know that your child is healthy- even if they are smaller than a formula fed baby- and tells you to keep breastfeeding until you and child are ready to wean when your child is already 18 months old. This is true support.

I like to call myself an athletic supporter. Whether you like the term supporter, fan, encourager- whatever, I hope that you will find yourself being a breastfeeding supporter.

At the same time- I hope that moms will support each other in general. I would much rather a mother feed her child formula then have her child starve. I would prefer a mom who can not exclusively breastfeed supplement knowing she is still giving her little one the benefits of breastfeeding then feel like a failure. I hope everyone learns that the important thing is to support each other in being the best parent we can be.