Monday, April 25, 2011

Relax and It Will Happen-Or Will It

I guess I felt like I wasn't really a woman. Like something was broken inside me. After all, this should come easily to a woman- shouldn't it? Maybe if I didn't stress so much. Maybe if I would just relax- it would happen. At least that is what people keep telling me.

I remember being in tears. The man speaking at the pulpit asked all the mothers to stand. Then, as an after thought "Will all the want to be mothers stand as well" came out of his mouth. I think he realized how that sounded, and quickly changed his wording to "Women 18 and older- mothers in training." It was too late, the damage was done. As the teenagers in the group passed our flowers to the women who were standing, I sat there, tears streaming down my face. My poor husband was unsure how to comfort me. He put his arm around me and pulled me in close.
One of the young women handing out flowers, brings me one and said "He said mothers-in-training." I accept it, but still refuse to stand.
That was the last time I attended church on Mother's Day.
Why was this so hard for me? This is what we are supposed to do. Especially in our "culture" (religion). We get married and start a family. But it didn't come so naturally to me.
Disney Daddy and I struggled with infertility for nearly 8 years before we found out that Lil Man was on the way.  From the time we were married we never tried to avoid pregnancy. We were thinking we would just let it happen when it was time. But then the years passed, and we didn't get pregnant. After two and a half years we sought out medical help.

We were blessed to have a happy ending. However, we do not know if our struggle is over. We hope to have more children. Fertility may or may not be an issue for us in the future, we are unsure.
This year, I will attend church on Mother's Day without feeling sad, or depressed. But many other women will still have that pain in their heart.

So often, people trying to be supportive will say things like "Maybe you are meant to adopt" (as if we had not thought, pondered, and prayed about that option) or "Just relax and it will happen." For many, it is not that simple.

It is estimated that over 7.3 million women in the United States suffer some form of infertility. 1 in 8 couples. Fertility treatments are costly, both financially and emotionally.

Support and friendship are the greatest gifts you can give someone struggling with infertility.
I have always been open about my journey trying to conceive. It has blessed me with many friends, but has also opened my eyes to how ashamed many people are of this struggle. It is something they feel they can not talk about. Like breastfeeding- it is something women think should just come naturally, and if it doesn't, it can be heartbreaking.
This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Please, take a moment to find a way to support those women who struggle with the longing for a child on a daily basis. Understand that they need to be heard and to have someone to be there for them. There are many myths out there about infertility as well. Educate yourself, support others, and share your experience and knowledge. I know that I have had a happy ending- but I will always remain passionate about Infertility Awareness. No matter how many babies I have, I will never forget the pain of infertility.

Visit for more information regarding infertility basics.

Learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week at


a field of dreams said...

Brilliant post. Thank you for participating in this challenge. I also wrote about: "Just Relax". Wishing you all the best on your journey.

Here from NIAW blog list.

Becca said...

Thanks! This entry was actually written before I knew about the challenge. I just changed the title and added the links to make it work for the challenge. I am so glad you were able to conceive and loved your post as well.

Alycia said...

I have not struggled with infertility, but I think "Just relax" is one of the most unintentionally hurtful things someone can say in such a situation. It reminds me of when people were trying to blame my baby's constant crying on me being too stressed. 1) It puts the blame on the woman. 2) It puts the woman in a nearly impossible place - She is in an unbelievably stressful situation right now, but she's just supposed to relax? Doesn't it occur to anyone that maybe the issue came BEFORE the stress?! Sorry for the rant, but this is something I feel strongly about.

Becca said...

Alycia- TOTALLY AGREE!!!!!